So, your partner scored a business class upgrade and you didn’t. In this month’s “Dear Eugene,” we answer the question of whether you can get mad at your partner for moving up to business without you.
Inspired by our intrepid founder, Eugene Fodor, Dear Eugene is a monthly series in which we invite readers to ask us their top travel questions. Each month, we’ll tap travel experts to answer your questions with the hopes of demystifying the more complicated parts of travel. Send your questions to [email protected] for a chance to have them answered in a future story.
Dear Eugene, On a recent long-haul flight, my husband was surprised with an upgrade to business class while I was left sitting in economy. He gladly took the business class seat (who could blame him?) but I was left feeling slighted and upset. Is it wrong to get upset if my partner gets a seat upgrade and I don’t?
Anyone lucky enough to have been unexpectedly upgraded on a long-haul flight knows it feels nothing short of miraculous. One minute, you’re enduring the typical airport drudgery alongside the masses, the next, you’re whisked to a fully reclining seat and handed a frosty glass of champagne. How did your husband get so lucky?
There are all kinds of theories on what might get a person bumped up to business, but most of them haven’t been true for decades (think: dressing up for the airport, buying the flight attendants gifts, or confidently asking for a free upgrade at the check-in counter). If we had to guess, your husband is probably a member of the airline’s frequent flier program. His accrued status made him the lucky recipient of an upgrade on what was likely an overbooked flight.
Continue Reading Article After Our Video
Recommended Fodor’s Video
As you acknowledge, it’s unsurprising that he wanted to accept the business class seat. However, your feelings are also valid here. One obvious solution would have been to split the cost to upgrade you as well. Explaining your predicament to the gate agent and requesting a paid upgrade – perhaps using your husband’s frequent-flyer points to keep costs down – would have turned this situation around instantly. Unfortunately, that’s not how it played out. To smooth things over and prevent lingering resentments, it might be worth digging deeper into what this experience brought up for you.
What’s Actually Bothering You?
Instead of wondering, “Am I justified in feeling upset that he took the seat upgrade?” try asking yourself, “Did this moment highlight my need to feel considered, prioritized, or emotionally connected?” Sometimes, a relatively small slight, like a partner choosing extra legroom over our company, reflects larger patterns in a relationship, like unequal effort or a lack of shared values.
Would you have made a different decision if the roles were reversed? Are the two of you generally aligned, and do you make thoughtful choices as a team? Was this moment an anomaly or part of a problematic pattern? Once you’re clear on why this experience impacted you the way it did, you can discuss it calmly with him.
Talk About It — Without Starting a Fight
“The question is not whether it is right or wrong to get upset, but how you express it,” says Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Certified Imago Relationship Therapist. “Ask for a time where you can have a safe conversation to share your feelings and experience without criticizing, blaming, or shaming.”
As tempting as it is to use phrases like “you made me feel…”, leading with “I” will reduce the likelihood that your husband becomes defensive. For example, “I felt a little abandoned and sad back there, and it made me realize how much I value sharing the whole travel experience with you.” This will help open up the conversation without things escalating into an argument.
Set Expectations For Future Upgrades
Now that your husband understands how the surprise upgrade made you feel, it’s time to make a game plan in case one of you gets bumped up again. Will you always stick together, even if it means paying to upgrade the other person? Will you agree to take it in turns? Will you play it by ear depending on who is more frazzled and in need of a break that day?
Myka Meier, Founder of Beaumont Etiquette, emphasizes leading with empathy in these situations.
“Extra communication and sensitivity go a long way,” she explains. “Ideally, [if it happened in the future] the two of you would have a quick conversation to check in. For example, if one of you had a grueling week and the other said, ‘Take the upgrade, you deserve it,’ then that’s a lovely mutual decision. It’s less about who gets the seat, and more about the thoughtfulness behind the gesture.”
In short, you’re not wrong to feel upset, but try to see this as a golden opportunity. A thoughtful conversation will clear the air and help foster greater understanding about how to show up for one another in the future.