In this month’s “Dear Eugene,” we address one of travel’s age-old questions and ask experts what is the appropriate way to navigate other people’s disruptive kids.
Inspired by our intrepid founder, Eugene Fodor, Dear Eugene is a monthly series in which we invite readers to ask us their top travel questions. Each month, we’ll tap travel experts to answer your questions with the hopes of demystifying the more complicated parts of travel. Send your questions to [email protected] for a chance to have them answered in a future story.
Dear Eugene, While sitting in business class on a recent long-haul flight, there was a disruptive kid who was bothering passengers by kicking the backs of seats, throwing toys, and being loud. The child’s parents seemed unwilling to intervene, so a fellow passenger took it upon herself to “shush” the child. The parents were appalled and upset with the woman for overstepping to discipline their child, but, in this person’s defense, the parents were making no effort to be considerate of the other passengers. Is it ever okay to shush another person’s kid while traveling? Especially in business class, where most are paying extra for a more comfortable flight?
Oh, it’s easy to empathize here! Travel by air enough, and you’re all but guaranteed to eventually find yourself on a plane—in economy or a premium cabin—with an unruly child and seemingly passive parents.
We wouldn’t put any money on it, but if we had to guess, we’d say this is one of travel’s oldest complaints. It’s unlikely that either the flight of the Jews from Egypt, nor the voyage of the Mayflower, nor even a trip up the Oregon Trail was complete without somebody’s kid acting up and needing a time out.
Back to modern day, there are a couple of points we’d make first off. It’s not particularly germane whether it’s economy class or business class. Business class passengers pay a higher fare for more personal space, upgrades to catering and entertainment, more comfortable seating, better food, and a much more humane ratio of users per onboard lavatory. You’re every bit as much “in public” as you are in economy class; there are just fewer other passengers, and they’re more spaced out.
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Also, the complaint is perfectly valid whether you’ve paid $600 or $6,000 for your ticket. We all want a serene flight with minimal annoyance, regardless of how much we’ve spent for our little square of in-flight real estate. It’s probably also worth mentioning that, unless the airline handed out a free upgrade to the family (which is exceptionally rare these days), they also paid a lot of money for that experience.
Now, that doesn’t justify them letting their child be a nuisance. So, what do you do?
Marquita Wright, author of the travel blog The Traveling Twin Mama, who flies frequently with her twin sons, cautions against shushing unruly children directly.
“The adult should speak with the parent, not the child. That way you can approach it how you would any other disruptive passenger,” says Wright. She would expect the same from travelers who might take issue with her own children’s behavior on a flight. “They can talk to me—the adult. And from there, I can do what I deem is necessary and appropriate.”
Wright adds that she’s never shushed another person’s child, feeling that it’s not her job or her place. But she has let adults know when they’re being rude or inappropriate in public.
Noise Is One Thing, Throwing Toys Is Another
Now, noise is one thing, and in many cases, there’s no getting around the fact that kids are just noisy sometimes, and it can’t be helped. Different cultures also have different attitudes toward noisy children. In Germany and Japan, both cultures that generally prize quieter public atmospheres, have ruled that noisy children’s playgrounds or day care centers should be considered exceptions to definitions for “harmful environmental noise” by urban planners, suggesting a degree of tolerance for the unavoidability of rowdy children.
Fodor’s contributor Scott Laird recalls a time when a coworker at the travel agency he worked at recounted the story of her daughter’s first-ever airplane flight. The coworker was part of a military family returning to the United States from Germany, and she told the story of how the toddler screamed the entire nine-hour flight, causing some rough, venomous reactions from fellow passengers.
Feeling that something was amiss (the family had flown with their other children at a similar age without incident), they saw a doctor upon arrival, and discovered for the first time that their daughter was deaf and had a condition that made the pressurized cabin of an airliner unbearable (it was fixable, and she was able to fly comfortably afterwards).
The point is that you’re never fully aware of exactly what’s going on, and sometimes accepting that noisy kids are as much a part of the flying experience as tight overhead bin space and armrest battles.
Throwing toys and seat-kicking, however, is cause for concern. Now, we don’t know if the flying toy in question was small and innocuous, or a thousand-piece Lego pirate ship, but in either case, if it comes down to a question of safety, it’s ok to get a flight attendant involved.
Rai, a flight attendant for Alaska Airlines, says that she’s asked both child seat-kickers and their (non-seat-kicking) parents to stop.
“I think best practice is to always ask once for yourself, and then involve [a flight attendant] if the behavior doesn’t change.” However, she notes that if the unruliness is aggressive or particularly egregious, it’s ok to immediately involve a crew member.
Understanding Goes a Long Way
That said, a little understanding goes a long way. Travel is stressful and overstimulating for everybody, and a child’s toolbox for coping with stressors isn’t as complete as an adult’s. They’re not as good at self-regulation or self-soothing, things we slowly figure out as we mature. And many cultures around the world have different approaches to how they educate their children on coping with their emotions—some are very hands-on, while others are less likely to intervene.
Regardless of the cultural approach, children eventually figure it out, but frequent-flying families are bound to take a few noisy trips during the process. In any case, it’s our hope that parents understand they’re ultimately responsible for their children’s behavior onboard the aircraft.
Laird shares another story from a recent flight he took out of Atlanta.
“There was a Mom with two kids in the gate area waiting to board, and the two kids—both preschool or early elementary in age—were running around screaming and terrorizing everybody. The mom seemed embarrassed, but wasn’t taking any action to corral her kids. Nervously, she turned to the woman next to her and shrugged, ‘They’re kids!’
“I’ll never forget the woman’s response—cool as a cucumber, with perfect timing, she responded: ‘But you’re an adult—and you’re in charge.’”