In this month’s “Dear Eugene,” we dive into one of the more complicated aspects of group travel: how to manage differences in budget, especially when one person backs out of a trip last-minute.
Inspired by our intrepid founder, Eugene Fodor, Dear Eugene is a monthly series in which we invite readers to ask us their top travel questions. Each month, we’ll tap travel experts to answer your questions with the hopes of demystifying the more complicated parts of travel. Send your questions to [email protected] for a chance to have them answered in a future story.
Dear Eugene, I’m going on a group trip with my girlfriends, all of whom are married and earn higher salaries than I do as a single woman living in an expensive city. Despite the differences in economic status, we are splitting the trip equally. While the cost of our trip was already higher than I’m comfortable with, to make matters worse, one of the girls has unexpectedly dropped out, which has made the per-person cost more than I can afford. I strongly feel that the woman who dropped out at the last minute should still pay for her portion of the trip, but my friends—who aren’t as concerned with the budget as I am—disagree, which brings me to you. If planning a group trip and one person drops out at the last minute, should they still be on the hook to pay?
Ooof, I sympathize because I’ve been there.
Planning group trips with close friends is surprisingly stressful, and tacking on budget restraints only adds to that. I’ve thought about your question for many weeks, consulting several experts in the mix, and to my surprise, I’m still holding onto my initial reaction, which is that your friend should still pay her share. But there’s more nuance to that, especially in terms of the group dynamic, so hear me out.
Everyone’s sense of etiquette—travel etiquette included—is wildly different. You know that old adage that common sense is anything but common? What you deem to be fair might look different to someone else, even a very close friend with shared values. In American culture, there’s also still a lingering stereotype of catty, drama-filled group energy on “girls’ trips,” which, in all honesty, is probably fueled by reality TV. But oftentimes that’s not the case at all, or at least there’s much more at play.
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Even if everyone is on board with the trip, there’s still the big-little stuff to contend with like, “Um, I actually can’t afford that hotel room, location, big ticket excursion, or bougie dinner.” It’s important to be clear up front (at the start of planning the trip) about your budget and even the vibe check. And by “vibe check,” I mean: how do you plan to spend your time on your trip?
Do you want more of a mental break or a bit of adventure? Do some friends want to go clubbing or splurge on fancy dinners every night? Does everyone want to book spa packages or go on a long hike? Are some people content with sitting by the pool with a marg, or do they prefer to take a siesta at 3 pm? Are you down to roam around every day, or would you prefer to stay close to the hotel? These questions can have a big impact on the trip overall, even without someone dropping out last minute.
What the Experts Say
Now, in terms of your specific question, there’s no “one size fits all” solution since, interestingly enough, everyone I spoke to had differing opinions on how to handle your situation. Dr. Christie Ferrari, a Johns-Hopkins-trained clinical psychologist who specializes in ‘mean girl’ dynamics and relational aggression, says that while your situation is definitely tricky, it won’t do you any good to keep bringing up how it’s unfair.
“It’s just going to create more tension and more awkwardness in this whole situation,” explains Dr. Ferrari. “At the end of the day, groups prefer to align themselves with the majority, even if it doesn’t work for them.” So instead of trying to prove the unfairness, focus instead on what you want now, especially now that the cost has changed.
One option is to just flat out not go and explain that you’re not comfortable with the new cost of the trip. But if you do want to go, you have to decide what’s important to you, what your values are, your place in the group dynamic, and also be clear about your limitations. Dr. Ferrari explained that every group comes with what she calls a “belonging tax. You’re spending because you want to belong. Group trips, in general, are not just about trips. They’re about belonging,” she adds.
I personally found this idea of a “belonging tax” to be a fascinating, albeit somewhat problematic concept. It’s true that all relationships come with some cost (whether that’s emotional labor, compromise/sacrifice, and/or financial exchange), but I had never considered group belonging within friend circles in terms of its fiscal repercussions. Sure, all economies—and societies—are built on some form of tax, but they mainly differ in who pays what according to what they have to give. Plus, don’t solid friendships exist outside the limiting field of money?
Still, my mind kept going back to this idea of fairness, which Dr. Ferrari explicitly recommended not concentrating on for the sake of the group dynamic. Yet I felt cemented in my resolve, from an ethical and etiquette standpoint, that either your friend who dropped out should still pay her share (let’s say, of the hotel) or your more financially secure friends should pick up the fallen tab so you’re not in a bind.
The Importance of Advocating for Yourself
Another therapist, Cristina Billingsley, a LMFT and clinical director of the Sierra Center for Wellness, who specializes in complex trauma, agreed. Not only has Billingsley had to drop out of a group trip before and still paid her portion, but she’s also navigated a very similar situation involving fiscal differences with friends during travel. Once, while planning a trip with her best friend since preschool (who has much more flexibility with money), the friend said she wanted to stay at an ultra-fancy hotel.
Billingsley had to tell her, as uncomfortable as it was, even to a lifelong friend: “Look, I love you, I would love to be a part of this, but I cannot swing it right now.” Not only did her friend understand completely, but they ended up working out a cost-sharing plan that felt more egalitarian. Her friend covered the entire hotel, and Billingsley paid for dinners. Other times, Billingsley had to budget in advance of a trip, but always felt it was worth it in the end.
Now, as long as this approach isn’t being taken advantage of on either side, I loved this solution. Group trips can make visible the differences in economic status, pace, and values, but ultimately, they’re about spending time with each other in a new place. Billingsley later echoed what Dr. Ferrari mentioned earlier on the importance of belonging: “It becomes [both] a moral and financial question: What’s more important to me? This amount of money or the friendship?” Ultimately, it comes down to how close you are with these friends and how comfortable you are advocating for yourself.
Simone Cherí Harvin, a senior editor at Travel Noire and fellow single girl, has also been on her fair share of group trips over the years, and some have gone a little haywire. Still, there’s a shared understanding amongst her friends that if you drop out at the last minute, you still have to pay. “I don’t know how you come to that understanding without speaking about it [together first]. But we understand the impact that that has on the other people in our group,” she shares.
When I mentioned the complexity of shared value systems and etiquette amongst friends, asking Harvin whether she thought this shared understanding is truly common, especially in the U.S., she flat out said no.
“Somehow I’ve attracted women who have been through friendship things, breakdowns, breakups, and whether we were the offender or the offended, and we just have understood that moving better in our future friendships is going to serve everybody.”
Here, advocating for oneself is a prime mover, an essential aspect, rather than a sidebar, and most especially when you’re single. Sure, each person is responsible for their share, but it’s also up to the friend group to “keep that single person in mind when making certain plans,” says Harvin. And I agree.
Now, while I don’t know your racial identity, Harvin offered up yet another perspective to this group trip dilemma, one she’s been ruminating on since a recent trip to Costa Rica. “[When it comes to] white women and friendships, generally the consensus is ‘We want to be in good favor and good standing with each other,’” she says. “But Black women aren’t afraid to come at each other for the sake of better understanding. I’m not saying white women don’t do that, but I think there’s more of a demure approach to how they handle friends,” Harvin says. “And sometimes that means leaving things unsaid.”
Essentially, how you go about advocating for yourself is a deeply personal thing, one that’s also informed by culture, race, emotional awareness, your subconscious, and the relational dynamics within your group. Are your friends receptive to your needs or will they get defensive? Is directness and honesty a core value, or would others rather brush their feelings under the rug?
Sometimes, merely “keeping the peace” isn’t worth sacrificing your needs, especially if yours aren’t being considered to begin with. True friendship demands a kind of directness, for without it, we’re just left with empty manners. And what good does that do?
While the approaches or styles may be different—as is the case with all friend groups—each expert agreed that it’s best to be up front and advocate for yourself. And be considerate of your friends’ needs, too, since nurturing your community is just as important. At the end of the day, let people do what they want, in accordance with their own needs and desires.
And let me end by saying that I’ve personally never taken a group friend trip and regretted it, not even once. Not even a little bit of regret. While some trips have not been necessarily “fair” in terms of price splits, it was worth every penny for the shared experiences, laughs, and (re)bonding. Sure, it might’ve gone way beyond my budget at some point, but the truth is, you can’t get those moments and memories back.