Please make these go away.
Now that I’ve cruised for 18 years, I know the difference between cheesy and chic when perusing the ship’s calendar of activities. There may have been a time when I got so restless on a sea day that I popped into a boutique for a gemstone seminar (thankfully I didn’t fall into the trap of buying expensive jewelry), nearly leapt into the spa to learn the “secret” to losing weight, or had my picture taken at every prop on the ship during Formal Night (now I dodge these photographers because, duh, I have a smartphone), but I’m way savvier now. I can easily eyeball a gimmicky activity, and instead of rolling my eyes, I simply head to the Lido Deck and order another cocktail, snickering at the other passengers who will, no doubt, get sucked in.
Whether you’re a seasoned cruiser easily swept up in the romance of these self-contained floating resorts, or are new to cruising and want to check off every single activity, here are 10 activities that really aren’t worth your time.
1 OF 10
Gemstone Seminars
If you’re anticipating a Discovery Channel-style talk about ancient gemstones, or yearn for a throwback to ‘the college days’ when you sat in lecture halls, you are sorely mistaken. Gemstone seminars are typically hosted in jewelry shops, not in the theater, and the talk is limited to (surprise!) the shop’s merchandise. Everyone clusters around a jewelry case, blinded by the shop’s bright lights, sipping free drinks. Because the jewelry costs at least several hundreds of dollars, and the cruise line has your credit-card number on file, go easy on the drinks given this high-pressure sales tactic.
2 OF 10
Weight Loss Classes
Classes in how to tone your body or get rid of belly fat are perfectly on brand once you see what’s served on the buffet. But it’s also like being fed to sharks. You won’t survive this cruise if you constantly think about shedding pounds. Another problem with these classes is that a cruise of less than two weeks is not enough time for a proper consultation. Go back home and see a nutritionist instead, someone who can work with you to chart your diet and fitness over time and not offer a (pardon the pun) one-size-fits-all approach.
3 OF 10
Parody Musicians
There will ever only be another Whitney Houston, and the same goes for Elton John. Even if they each had a twin with the same vocal range, they’re not working on a cruise ship. Parody musicians host shows in the theater with costume changes, flashing lights, and a house band. You might initially feel excited about the prospect of hearing your favorite singer’s songs, but trust me, this is one step above karaoke. The only way you can have a good time is if you go into this expecting entertainment, not as a true fan of the musician they are mimicking.
4 OF 10
Towel-Folding Classes
It’s cute to come back to your cabin and see an elephant or monkey—relax: these aren’t real animals; they’re shaped and twisted out of towels—on your bed. But do you really want to spend precious vacation time indoors learning this party trick? Unless a tutorial is held poolside, that’s a hard no.
5 OF 10
Matching T-Shirts
The “look at me” aspect of donning the same custom-printed T-shirt as your travel-mates announcing your family’s reunion or a slogan like “Ship Happens,” makes me want to gag. What happened to freedom of expression—especially when your favorite color or vibe is not the same as your family members’, spouse’s, or BFF? And are you really going to wear that T-shirt again to, say, a Pilates class or on an airplane and be prepared for people to gaze at your chest, wondering what the inside joke is?
6 OF 10
“Sexy Legs” and “Hairy Chest” Contests
The problem I have with these so-called beauty contests on the Lido Deck is that, on an intellectual level, they objectify men and women because they are ranked solely on their bodies, not by any other skill. But the other issue is that the contestants are not models. It’s unsavory to be chilling by the pool with a drink and a good book and look up to see a crew member shouting into a microphone, begging for the audience to clap for some average-looking, middle-aged person who is dancing around, trying to be sexy and, well, it’s just not working.
7 OF 10
Dueling Pianos
In an era where singer-songwriters are sharing moving and very heartfelt lyrics at street festivals, coffee shops, and train stations, why are we still being subjected to dueling pianists like it’s the 1890s? Whenever I see these in a cruise ship’s lounge or bar, I feel like I’m being thrust into a full-on musical, not an intimate performance. It’s two people trying to outdo each other. Might as well be a wrestling match.
8 OF 10
Hypnosis Performers
Thankfully, hypnotists as cruise-ship performers are not as widespread as they used to be, and their popularity is waning, but they are still on the calendar for some sailings. Why would we want to see someone—a fellow passenger, no less—literally lose their mind on a stage? This seems more like a private-therapy situation, or an interrogation tactic by the local cops, not a spectacle.
9 OF 10
Art Auctions
I love art. I also love Champagne. Put the two together, and I’m there. But the art on cruise ships is, for the most part, cringe-y. I’d have to down many flutes of bubbly before I bid on a piece of art at the art auctions that lure you in with free wine. What if I actually “win” the auction and have to hang this terrible art in my living room? Better to stay in my cabin sipping wine and watching “House Hunters,” right?
10 OF 10
Fruit or Ice Carving
Whether it’s carving a pineapple or a block of ice, in what universe am I ever going to show off this skill that I’ve just learned, watching a chef swing around a knife? There are just too many other fun activities to do on a cruise to prioritize something like this, even if the carvings are usually hosted on a sea day or a slow afternoon. I vote for afternoon tea instead. Or perhaps an afternoon nap.